Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately, the line at KFC was shorter than usual. Already in Love with New Year's resolution

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.

   How long do you think Tomi Lahren will wait to start sending nudes to Donald Trump Jr?

   Tonight I'm gonna party like it's Dec 21th, 2012

   so you need at least 4 characters and a Capital to make a password. I hope I remember DonaldDuckMickeyMouseMineyMouseGoofyParis to log onto my emails!

   I <3 it when I come home & my dog does the happy dance, looks more like the lambada but wutever....

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.

   I'm a member of the C.S.I.: "Can't. Stand. Idiots."

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   Justin:mom one day I'm going to the moon . Mom: too late justin nasa stopped sending monkeys long time ago.jg

   ‎"Denver needed Peyton Manning because Tim Tebow has tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer."

   Saw a fat bird at the self checkout in ASDA today. She scanned an item and it started beeping 'Unexpected item in baggage area' - Salad.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone, I mean lets be honest I can barely get the straw in a Capri Sun

   I started tramp stamp collecting. What? Its a real hobby

   Dear Zach, the Facebook app has down syndrome. Use some of your never ending money to fix it you selfish prick.

   *Galaxy Breaking News* Mars Rover discovers location for the next Wal-Mart Superstore...coming soon hillbilly's in space!

   I wonder what Rebecca Black thinks of Samoa skipping out on Friday?.......

   Luckily for me, my future cancer will go along quite nicely with my current personality.

   If you don't have any children, charce's are you won't have any grandchildren.

   That sad moment when it´s already new year in Portugal and everybody in my country and all around the all are partying really hard and I´m in home. In ther internet. Sadness. Fap time.