Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   woke up on the wrong side this morning, but then went indoors.

   I don't remember what I got arrested for but I do remember the female cop complimenting my buns of steel.

   The PAST is real easy to bring into the FUTURE, the real challenge is keeping the past PAST!!

   At restaurants, I'm asked what I want but when I sit & cry for hours, I'm asked to leave. It's like they don't even care that I want.

   Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....

   That feeling when you get annoyed of texting the same people everyday.

   The guy who plotted for 18 years to kill his wife, obviously could have done with a little help from his wife to plan that sh!t.

   there such a thing as a bad friday?

   It's way too early to listen to you b!tch and moan. Just the moaning would be a lot better.

   When I was a kid, my brother would say stuff to me like, "My mom can be@t up ur mom!"

   Time to find a girlfriend.....I think my hand has been stepping out on me.

   My American friends take a moment to "g00gle" "idlenomore" your Canadian neighbours are starting a revolution one tweet at a time...

   The end of the world is like a snow day for adults.

   It's only a matter of time before the red, squiggly line disappears from the word Gangnam ...

   Like and enthusiastically comment on every photo your aunt has posted to facebook. Turn the tables

   I've just read read that Trevor Moore, the CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops. I'm guessing that before that he was the navigator on the Titanic.....

   smart and psychopath are like peanut butter and jelly

   I suppose the Australians have never started a trend in real life, so why not just let them have their fun..

   I'm so horny, I could THINK off ...

   The karma of messing with a good girl is the h?e you end up with. This goes to all the players who think they are God's gift to women. Newsflash, you're not!!