Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My debit card isn't the only thing I wanna tap tonight.

   Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"....

   Ironically, this is probably the first time Melania has seen him nude.

   LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   Bladderrash Counterhatch in the streets. Benedict Cumberbatch in the sheets. You don't get it? Me neither. I just want him in my sheets.

   Fun fact: Bruce Lee does not drink water. Instead, he drinks WATAA!

   My friend just told me that it takes three sheep to make just one wool sweater which I find amazing as I didn't even know that sheep knew how to nit.

   Remember at the stroke of midnight new years eve to lift your left leg, so you'll start the new year on the right foot.

   I can't stand little kids, I know I was once one. But seriously can't stand them...

   Went to a strip club last night. The women were super hot and the comedian was hilarious. I was laughing so hard.

   My wife was in hospital for a mastectomy, I told her to keep me abreast

   The real gems are the woman who knew Yoda before he was turned into a baby.

   bartender just now: the usual? me: you know it bartender: [throws me thru window]

   Always look on the bright side of life!....badump....badump....badump adump dump....Come on!... Always look at the bright side of life!.....

   The supermarket's completely out of bread and milk. What is it going to snow?

   Pro tip: If you have a cat and money is tight, bird seed is cheaper than cat food.

   90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

   What's up with Chicanos putting cheese on apple pie? Asking for a gringo. 🥧

   You've a Land Rover, a Land cruiser but still have a Land Lord. Sister your weed is too much