Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best part bout your girlfriend also being your best friend is that she won't dump you when she walks in on you sleeping with her best friend.

   i took my dog for a walk, and well, long story short anyone know how to get silly putty out of a keyhole

   Girl Gamers are the most misjudge characters ever. Guys sees them as Goddesses, industry sees them as Barbie-Wii Mario-Bros chicks, parents sees them as boys, girls sees em as Fatty Emos, when they just are girls with controllers trying to be badasses!

   What if were all dead and this is our hell?

   My kids call themselves changing their rooms around. All they did was move the t.v

   Jigsaw - someone who when there is a problem goes to pieces :)...

   In a sad blow to the pervs and rapists, A judge orders no more tent pitching on Wall Street.

   Someone really screwed over that Adele Chick! Can you say stalker!

   Now appearing on center stage..the sweet...the delicious...miss Candy Cane.

   Dad: Do you drink...? Son: Are you asking me? OR...are you offering me?

   "You moved the headstones but you never moved the chicken bones!!" (Poultrygeist)

   I'm just letting life pull me down, and patiently waiting for my great slinghot experience!..RJ

   I have to show her I can hate her before I show her I can love her

   3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

   what? sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of me not giving a f***.

   If you're going to be a dcik, you might as well be a huge one

   The Nutley Mom from NJ turned 50 shades of tan !!!!!!!!

   Question of the day: unibrows- sexy or an evil genius' plot to take over the world?

   On a scale of 1 to LL Cool J, my dog doesn't lick his lips that much.

   I never understood why women always have their hands in their bras. Then last night I found myself watching TV with my hand in my pants. It finally occurred to me...when you've got something great, you want to hold onto it. :)