Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

   I made a wish to feel young again. I woke up the next morning with a zit on my nose.

   Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.

   My sleep number is pi.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates

   You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning: The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Guys we're having "Little Seizures" tonight!

   Random Person: "It's hard to to get people to unfollow me on Twitter." Kayne West: "Hold my beer.".

   If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions

   this a Royal Wedding or the Kentucky Derby? The hats make it confusing. I'm taking ""Camilla" to Show.

   Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get

   Remember that old phone commercial "Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say hi. " I always wondered if they could of reach out and touched that someone, why would they of needed a phone to call them?

   Like the 20th century used sex to sell things, the 21st century uses rage. Wonder what it will be for 22nd?

   They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   Texbook: a tex message that way too long.

   Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.