Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A STRESSOR AND AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT, will help you lose weight!

   I didn't know NASCAR contracted IDOT to patch the racetracks! I knew the quality of that patch looked familiar

   BP stands for Beyond Petroleum, well, not anymore, BP stands now for Big Problem!

   Humidity = Bad hair day!! Thinking of shaving her head....Britney Spears style

   busy writing a note to self: DO NOT PUNCH IN THE FACE (AGAIN) the dude sitting in the next cubicle no matter how annoying his vacation tale is !!!

   getting a tattoo on my forhead of the word "Idiot", because it seems that everyone that I come across already thinks that I am. So I have decided to just put it out there for them so they don't waste anymore time in trying to figure it out.

   wonders if when the inventor of the bong came up with the idea, did a black light appear above his head?

   Listening to Jimmy Buffet all day is giving me some unproductive ideas that might get me fired.

   cooler than the other side of the pillow! :P

   If I see that "fuzzoodle" commercial one more time, I'm going to shoot my tv.

   Im down to funnel three 40's and talk some $hit!!!

   I think the moonwalk should be part of the field sobriety test. Take away saying the alphabet backwards clause.

   I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.

   I feel for those straving kids when I see those feed the children commercials...But when they show those kids and the lil fly comes and lands on there heads its a lil over the top..Cuz I dont care how hungry you are you got enough energy to knock a fly aw

   sometimes you just have to like the judge and executioner dead in the face and tell them "no restraining order will keep me away!!!"

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   Taco Bell putting Fritos in there Burrito..... then Subway should stack chips in there subs .. am just saying

   First "The Drive" then "The Shot" now "The Decision". Cleveland is offically curse.

   got so drunk last night that he apprantly had sent a text to his friend saying "dude, partys great, but were runnin out of alcohol, so email me a pack of captain morgans, then head over."

   Things are always better when you get a pat on the Butt!!!!