Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What kind of idiot would think ingesting disinfectant would kill coronavirus? Everyone knows if you buy tons of toilet paper, you're protected from ever getting it, to begin with!

   The lesbians next door gave my a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

   Kim Kardashian's marriage with Kris Humphries lasted longer than Michael Flynn in the White House.

   I had fifty bucks tattooed on my "member". So the next time my wife wants to go out and blow fifty bucks, she can stay home and do it.

   I'll say one thing for the Trumps: the wooden pallet their housekeeper sleeps on isn't missing any slats.

   Breaking news .. a White House to hire Bill O'Reilly and appoint him as chair of women's rights committee.

   I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard

   The Meaning of Life is simply to give your Life Meaning.

   You know, If you say "Blackhawks" real fast a few times in a row it starts to sound like something else...

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words

   God takes care of drunks and babies...do you know how lucky that is for drunk babies?

   LOVE is one night stand..........TRUE LOVE is one night stand with same person lifelong..:)

   likes For ALL You PeOpLe to STOP liking every little THANG on Facebook! on ♥.

   My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.

   wonders what the guy who found out what milk was, was doing to the cow.

   if you really were my friend, you would write a little note, but since you never do, I assume you never won't

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   I'm stuck to the couch. I think I'm half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

   Girl you must have restless leg syndrome because you can't seem to keep those legs closed!!

   I'm so broke, cockroaches don't want to live with me.