Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sources say Michael Flynn may have turned on Trump and become witness for FBI, or as Donald calls them, Female Body Inspectors.

   When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease

   I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.

   I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping

   Which Knee? the left knee? the right knee?...the weenie?

   Lasik surgery is at least $500 to just fix an eye....on wheel of fortune I can buy the I for half that price

   if this 2nd stimulus goes through, I want this payment in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck

   Confucius say, man who gets high on rock, gets stoned.

   Okay. So they can make fake meat out of plants. Try really impressing us and make a watermelon out of a London Broil.

   I put the thingamajig in the whatchamacallit and turned doohickey and wuteveritis still doesn't work. Any ideas?

   Remember, it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover.

   Can someone please go to MeWe and Parlor and wish them a Merry Christmas.

   If women aren’t meant to cook then why do they have milk and eggs inside their bodies

   One good thing about daylight savings time is the clock in my car is finally correct!

   Day 4 without a shower. I hope stink kills the virus!

   Literal Cheesy Pick-Up Line: Excuse me, are you Swiss? I'd love to check out your holes.

   How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?

   And on the second day of the flood, Moses wrote : Captains Log ; Unicorn stew is the Best food ever !

   Love when I take the time to type out a long text message to a friend and they reply with "K"

   I will never have abs. Because I love eating keb abs