Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It will snow. Fine. This is not a reason to panic. Tesco will not run out of food before you starve so don't go shopping like a twat, if you're unsure whether to drive then just don't ok. Ever. Sell your damn car and get on a bus. And please don't ring th

   Here's a warning. If I'm really sick and I say "I gotta yak", it doesn't mean that there's a longhaired buffalo living in my backyard

   knows that cougars roar all night, pumas growl all night, & kitty cats meow all night. I still love my cougars though.

   joe Paterno might be going from Penn State to the state pin

   I saw Lebron James before the game and I asked him for change for a dollar. He gave me 75 cents. I said "Where's the rest?" He said "I don't have a 4th quarter."

   Pumpkin Spice eyeliner? Have we gone too far?

   Tomorrow is New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don't drink and drive and become the nut

   Putin controlling Trump is mildly entertaining but the Muppets are still my favorite puppet show!

   I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ is not saying "You can bang all the porn stars you want, as long as you glue a plastic fish on your car's bumper".

   Youth Soccer: $75 to watch your kid pick dandelions.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once

   The only women who have brains are the ones who have not had them banged out of her yet.

   One skin,Two skin,Three skin,Fore skin.....wait a minute...........

   If a genie were to give me 3 wishes... goodbye Kardashians!

   I got a funny cigarette and a $2 bottle of wine and a beautiful blonde with me tonight!! Life can't get no sweeter!!

   Next time your in a car with someone who doesnt like your driving, wait till they're quiet and swerve on the road, then just normally say, "Ah, stupid ghost cars.."

   Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

   Give Tiger a break. Obama is screwing the WHOLE country!

   Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

   bumped into this cat at the gas station this morning getting coffee and he told me "Asalamalakum." I told him "I also like the Lakers!"