Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

   I have decided to host the Oscars

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?