Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to Hollister would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.

   Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.

   I certainly hope the douche who stole my credit card enjoys his $14.03 shopping spree.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.