Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!

   Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.

   just once i'd like to see a Price Is Right contestant who is confident enough to make their own decisions

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house??

   Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin....and muffins are healthy. Your welcome.

   Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.

   Integrity is knowing that just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean that you should...

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...