Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.

   Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.

   Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.

   20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.