Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.

   Honestly, I love every single some of you.

   so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!

   don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

   If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.

   Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.