Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!

   Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.

   ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?

   hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

   ~Hint to the obvious~ If a fan page or group requires you to invite all your friends on your friend list, it will not do what it promises, unless it promises to piss off your friends.

   I am very suspicious about joggers. It seems as if they are always the ones who find the bodies.

   Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet. 

   better yet ... we shoulda just captured bin Laden .... tied him to the tallest pole, atop the highest mountain .... and flown a plane into him.

   just ate from an unmarked tupperware container at the back of the fridge. I think it was chicken yogurt.

   Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?

   Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.