Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around. 
. A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.
Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...
Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?
This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.
Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!
There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.
Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.
I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.
45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.
EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!
Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.
Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great.....
But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Just sayin'....
911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse
There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".
To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look. 