Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   I downloaded an APP to do my taxes. I hope it hurries.....It's running out of time........

   Well Easter is almost over, just saw Walmart employees putting up Christmas Decorations......

   God was invented by the caveman to explain thunder and other stuff he could not explain.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   We will rock you until another one bites the dust and we are the champions.

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   Astronaut: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: We have trump. You're better off up there.

   Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.