Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.

   "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.

   100 Days in. Only 6.8% of the way to another President! Yay!

   If a zoologist studies animals what do you call someone who studies zoos? ZOOLOGIST: if you come down off the giraffe I'll answer your questions

   "Daddy, can you run for President and get rid of the estate tax so that I inherit an extra billion dollars?"

   FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

   Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.

   Log off Facebook and go to church if you want to pray. Facebook was exclusively invented for spying and stalking

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie

   dont fart in an apple store, they dont have windows

   Trump said he would get rid of NAFTA in his 100 days in office. Now he says he's not going to scrap it afterall. Does this guy actually knows what he's doing???

   You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!

   When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"