Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.

   There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.

   Jeremy Joseph Christain is a hero. America needs more people like him.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   " Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"

   I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years

   My son asked me what a dilemma was? "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who are you going to turn your back on?"