Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.

   Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car!

   Your belly button is just a mouth that you don't use anymore.

   Findings from meetings and conferences: "The only thing that often comes out of a meeting is the people who went in."

   The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

   I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

   Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he's in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?

   Sometimes I get irritated when people ask me simple or even complex questions.. like you have a iPhone right there and you know the WiFi.. Google it! Ugghh I hate finals

   If you ever feel Stupid just think;There are people out there who won't vaccinate their children,but pay for an anti virus for their computer. Let that sink in.

   I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."

   Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.

   What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.

   Ah, yes...what lovely blouse shall I stain with food today?

   I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.