Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy earth day, earth. Sorry we're destroying your ass.

   I decided to start working out today. Practicing my jabs, hooks, and uppercuts for the day after Easter candy clearance sale!!

   Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

   We were so poor, that when I was a baby I instead of wearing diapers, my parents paper trained me.

   Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small, and some are fake.

   idiot at the gym today.. He had a bottle of water in the Pringles can holder on the treadmill.. Freaking loser.

   I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough.

   I love the poorly educated. Laughter would be scarce without them.

   I think tomorrow I'll put on a T-Shirt that says "LIFE" and then go downtown and pass out lemons.

   I have one of the best memories of all time, but I can never remember what I did.

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   I rather be sleepy or crazy than doppy.

   I have a friend who can tap dance backwards. His name is Pat

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   My way of asking a girl I like out on a date is to say "Will you run away with me to have coffee?" that works like a charm.

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   Okay, time to be productive!....or in other words log out of facebook. Which by the way is the secret to my success.

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   Beer is now cheaper than gas. Don't drink and drive.

   One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...