Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That horseshoe has NO LUCK!

   Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

   Best moment to sleep: 10% - in the evening. 90% - in the morning.

   These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.

   Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.

   That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.

   Sometimes waiting for the weekend is better than the weekend itself.

   Somebody needs to starts a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.

   Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

   I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

   Her: oh my god i’m so wet Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

   Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

   I’m sorry, but some of my classmates look like they went to school with my mom.

   not telling you

   The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.

   Sorry I was so happy about David Koch kicking the bucket. Next time I'll try and be more tactful, like Trump was when McCain died.

   Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

   Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

   Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.