Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

   I have 5,000 channels I cannot watch since they are in spanish, but they take away Food Network and HGTV from me......... Cablevision you are a disgrace, what the hell am I paying you to much money for!!! Damm you Cablevision, damm you!

   Twister. Its all fun and games til the cat comes up pregnant

   applied to be an exotic dancer and had to audition. They are stupid, I know for a fact, that the chicken dance is sexier naked.

   Victoria Secrets catalog just arrived, my wife has informed me that none of the women are real, just cgi and photoshop....sigh!

   he can't pull a rabbit from a hat , but he can pull a hare from his hole

   not bothered by that fact that knowone understands him, its the reality that most of the time he doesnt understand himself; thats what scares him.

   ..is tired of waking up to his antics so she set a trap last night..Jack Frost won't be nipping any noses now for a LONG time..

   The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved.

   Dammmmn right I'm good in bed I can sleep for days

   just had my LEFT side removed. I'm all RIGHT now

   I'm so sorry you must think I actually value your opinion!

   Cheers to alcohol the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

   BE NICE to kids...SERIOUSLY they have weapons now!!!

   sometimes I wish I was a monkey so I could throw poo at people--like you!

   Thinks your so fake..you make barbie look real!!!!!!

   doesn't have to make sense to be funny!

   He said " I dont know why you were a bra, you have nothing to put in it." She says "Well you wear pants dont you?"

   Your 90% the reason why I get up every morning the other 10% is because I have to pee...