Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   misses the way things were and is running out of ideas on how to get it back

   Welcome back, Sunday....it's nice to see you. Stay a while...don't be in such a rush to leave like your friends Friday and Saturday!

   Correction: If your boyfriend answers your text while playing mw2, he doesn't love you. He just died.

   - I would quit drinking, but my father didn't raiser a quiter.

   Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?

   If Facebook is running slower than my brain before breakfast, they should probably fix the problem asap.

   just realized you can re-arrange the letters in Federal Stimulus to spell "Failed Result Sum."

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

   wants to be 9' tall and blue so I can plug my hair into my orange dragon thing and fly to the floating mountains. Am I on drugs? No, but someone ought to test James Cameron!

   thankful for friends whom willingly travel to the ends of the earth to search for the plot that he/she managed to lose; and yet be gracious enough not to cast judgement on its condition when they find it.

   My dad called Justin Bieber a tool. My life is complete.

   Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

   For all you with "it's complicated" as your status, FB has a new, more truthful option. Because what you really want to say is, "In a relationship, until something better comes along, which shouldn't be too long cuz this dude is on my LAST friggin nerve!

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   throwing skittles at people and yelling "TASTE THE FLIPPIN RAINBOW''

   just mugged a florist....that guy's lookin' like a fool with his plants on the ground....

   used to be famous, but moved away and changed her name because she had too many fans.

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me I have hearing aids

   Ok... Apparently its illegal to paint yourself blue and run around in the big leafy plant section at Walmart's and shout "Neytiri... I want you!"