Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to spend his cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home

   Celebrate 9/11/2010 by burning a copy of the Patriot Act.

   I dont know if my piggy bank is sick or anorexic but its been getting real skinny lately and I dont wanna be charged to animal cruelty so time to make some cash.

   waking up next to Julie Chen with no make-up makes me want to saw me penis off with a rusty car key

   According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials

   To the brave souls who lost their lives tragically 9 years ago today.. may you never be forgotten R.I.P

   Thinks facebook has ruined school reunions.. now everyone knows your full of sh*t before you get there..

   When on vacation, don't take pictures of building...take pictures of moments...Keep them close to your heart and never let them go!

   "Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bs, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO? "

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy...if I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   Some see this as a heart < 3. I see it as boobs with a big party hat.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks entered in the Indy 500...it's not my forte'.

   there is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, who finally break up on facebook

   you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?

   alot of people when they go to concerts they yell out "Wooo! or Yeah!" I like to yell out more specific things like "The way you play you're Music makes feel Good Inside!!"

   Looks like somebody ate a bowl of b*tchflakes this morning.

   There must be something about being a teenager that makes it seem really important to have a whole bunch of sh*t hanging from your rearview mirror.

   I dry hump my mattress because I love my bed so much.

   I hate places like airports and stadiums that charge $5 for a water. If I wanted a $5 water, I'd buy a Bud Light.

   I wish my car had a "thanks!" horn in addition to the "get the f*ck out of my way" horn it came with.