Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a gps so my wife would quit telling which direction to take...now I have two women telling where to go.

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   loves waking up to a excited puppy at my bedroom door until I see her run off to the kitchen & realize that the only reason she is excited to see me is cause there is food on the counter & I sometimes give her my leftovers. Little BIOTCH.

   talk is cheap, thats why everyone can afford it

   What do you call a thousand armed lesbians?... Militia Ethridge!

   Whats Brown and hides in the attic? The diarhea of Ann Frank!

   What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?.... Wipes his ass.

   Nightmare George Michael been sent to prison his going to be busy in them showers ...

   A freak can easily spot a freak even when proffesional business white collar attire

   Some people live life in the fast lane. I have decided that I live it in oncoming traffic at night with no lights on. Welcome to my world, buckle up.

   Little known fact of the day: The tooth-brush was invented in Eastern Kentucky. My guess is, if it was invented any where else, it would have be called a teeth-brush.

   girl, your pants are so tight, I could read your lips!

   brushing his tooth

   Ask the married guys is it worth the fn youve gotten for the fn your getting

   Senior Campbells Soup with.....NEW... larger type alphabet soup letters.

   ‎(_8(l) - D'oh!

   Today my friend told that when she was younger she used to be so obsessed with tooth fairy that she used to rip out even healthy teeth. @oh it must of hurt heaps?- I asked her To what she replyed. Donno ask my lil bro

   last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

   Catholic paramount rule: "If it feels good, it's bad."