Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass

   I'm not a Facebook Freak!.... says the guy updating his status from the toilet

   To the lady at Walmart wearing the "Bootylicious" shorts. If I can read that whole word...then that booty isn't licious!!!

   No porn music has ever gone "bow-chicks-wow-wow" ever. EVER!

   I got 99 freinds on FB and TOM ain't one:D

   Just brought some things the the shop..went to pay for it and the lady at to the counter said "1.69 please". I said "Sorry.Can't I pay with money instead?"

   What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

   A penny saved is no longer a penny earned. It is a government oversight!!!

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kalmadi (India CWG Head) just tried to hang himself ...But the ceiling collapsed... ;)

   Got my Halloween costume- Snookie! I will wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body umpa loompa orange, walk around half naked, drunk and obnoxious.

   "Obamacare, you may as well have Michael Jackson's personal physician tuck you in at night" ~ Dennis Miller

   says...behind every successful women...thr are a couple of satisfied men... :pp

   heard they are now powering street lamps with dog dung in Cambridge, Mass. If this is true, we should be able to plug the entire country's power grid into Capitol Hill and save a FORTUNE!

   BBC NEWS: Five year investigation ends. Vatican accused of laundering money. What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too! *

   Q: What does an elephant use for tampons? A: Sheep

   I just returned a Rug Dr to Lowes. When asked if it worked ok I responded, "Yep got up all the blood and evidence as promised. I would recommend it to anyone"!