Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian royalty to share huge sums of money with strangers...

   I never knew what a sweet dream was.... Until I fell asleep thinking about you...”

   Communication during sex is like scratching someone's elses back, its not a insult to your ability if they say "little to the left and harder!" to get that spot.

   Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained

   believes dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.

   Told my friend if he causes us to go to jail, I am slapping the soap out of his hands...

   ask "What have you done today to prepare for a zombie outbreak."

   Why is it a relationship often turns into a relationsh*t?

   Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve.

   Great!!! Bought a Powerball ticket and a pack of smokes. Total was $6.66. BOY, I sure feel lucky for tonight's drawing.

   thinking what is this world coming too?... I started to Google "Is it wrong", when Google started to fill in the suggested searches... Ah... well.... disturbing

   Ok,,, I really like you Thursday, but it's Friday I truly love. It's not that I'm not happy when i'm with you, it's just that Friday does so much more for me!!!

   Facebook was down for a couple of hours today. Yep. Nine months from now, there's going to be a lot of babies born.

   Remember the first time you were ther leader of the line in kindergarten?........ That was the SHIZNITT!!!!

   How is illegal to talk on phone while driving in new york but its legal for the guy from cash cab to host a television show while driving?

   Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.

   on Dragon's Den next week. I've invented a land mine that looks like a prayer mat. I think the prophets will go through the f00king roof!

   When Facebook Isnt Working, Twitter goes over capacity, (and MySpace remains unused,) some Americans will finally meet their neigbors

   What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? I answered: His girlfriend.

   2 steps forward , 2 steps backwards ..... am I just marking time or dancing ?!!!