Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.

   Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.

   Continuing to play the victim is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Blaming others for your situation in life will indeed make you a victim but the abuser will be your own self, not life or those around you.

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.