Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week... make it “Thor.”

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   It's not a Toomah!!

   Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices..

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible..

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday

   When I see a woman post consistantly that "All men suck!", I reply with either "Perhaps the problem lies with you." Or "Tell us again who makes the choice to date these a$$holes?"

   Irony would be Arnold having an illegitimate son named John Conner

   I only make mental bets and coincidentally I've lost my mind.

   People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who'd rather quit and go drink.

   wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.

   I just saved a bunch of morons on car insurance by telling them that morons shouldn't drive so they don't need insurance.

   If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

   Your girlfriend is Rated E for "EVERYONE"

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   "Don't let something that doesn't matter cost you something that does"

   Looks like former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been playing a little game of "Hide the Vienna Sausage".

   If you dream big and never give up, you can accomplish anything. Except licking your elbow, give up on that...