Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I wouldn't give for one of those push button secret trap door pitfall things in front of my desk today!

   Pick up line of the day: Hey, did you know that girls can't touch their elbows together? (works best with women wearing low-cut shirts)

   Gnomeo & Juliet -- red v.s. blue -- so thats where it all started

   This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥

   Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?

   Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.

   when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup

   Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.

   Overweight British hookers really know how to convert their pounds into dollars.

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate

   Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?

   I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning

   ■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?

   Ran into a fat guy with big sideburn chops. He looked like a cross between Chris Farley and Ron Jeremy.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.

   Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend.