Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

   Dear women::: Would it kill you to have a beer and watch the game instead of nagging..!!!!!

   Pulling your phone out in front of your friends has the same effect as yawning.

   wonders.. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually mean duck?

   The Awkward moment when this random person waves at you, so you wave back and then you figure out they where waving to the person behind you :O

   about to play with all the big, cute doggys at the police station

   Heres one for MythBusters: See if she can really suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.

   It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

   Holy shat Marty McFly turns 50 today. (I could insert a Parkinson's joke here but that would be rude)

   any girl can be cute with the right amount of makeup

   _______ _. _____ died June 7, 2011 at the age of __. He was the _______ of ___ Libs. (RIP Leonard B. Stern)

   A lot of people look up to me.....it's nice being tall.

   After I was born the Doctor had to slap my ass to get me breathing, I was so pissed after that I didn't speak to anyone for almost two years

   I don't get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   • My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.

   What I hate most about winter is people coming to bed and touching me their ice cold toes. I know you got your sexy on, but for god's sake wear some socks.

   Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?

   "I'm a Flirt In A Skirt, A Tease If Past My Knees & A Slut If Past My Butt"

   Alot of people look up to me... Mostly midgets and children, but its just nice knowing that...