Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having children is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't get an iPod Touch - next question." "Yes, I know how to do the Cat Daddy - next question." "No, Disneyland is not economically viable at this time - next question."

   You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.

   lady caca was way better when she was madonna

   i think pitbulls are mean because theyre mad that minorities keep buying them

   I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.

   The best part of a Lady Gaga song is when it ends

   Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.

   a new postage stamp shaped like a vAjAy was introduced yesterday but it's not selling well cos only 5% of men know how 2 lick it properly!

   What do you call an Oklahoma farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ;)

   If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.

   that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...

   If I get any more awesome I'll have to pay a luxury tax

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   Got back from lunch a little late today...I stopped at the bank and got stuck behind someone trying to do a hostile takeover through the ATM...

   ‎"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." Mother Teresa

   Day by day, nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything seems different.

   A dad walks in on his blind son who is beating off. Dad says "you better slow down or you'll go....nevermind son."

   A soulpatch is like a Corvette for your face.

   There should be some kind of a law against guys putting their girlfriend's photos on their profile pic. I am tired of sending friends request based on profile pics only to be confronted by a dude.