Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   miss being a kid. No one cared how you dressed, we were all friends, and you could be yourself. When did we turn so judgmental?

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   that Smurfs movie looks stupid. I just want to see it, just to see how stupid it is."

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   Ludacris rapping with Justin Bieber should be called "Statutory Rap"

   I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.

   Well well well Mr. Sun, It's about time your lazy a$$ showed up for work!!

   70% of my FB friends think I am being disingenuous when I say I find it funny that they "like" my posts. The other 30% are Googling "disingenuous"...

   Thinking about getting a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my farmer tan that reads "I work"

   UGLY = [U]nderstand [G]od [L]oves [Y]ou

   it did not taste like chicken at all

   I can't wait for the next Daniel Radcliffe movie, where he will play "the guy played by the kid who used to be Harry Potter in this new movie that no one will see."

   the feeling of getting an email with an attachment

   to the guy who keeps posting with such enthusiam about his wife's mum, might be better off spending time looking into your own gene pool first

   I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would only consist of . . . you know I'm going to be king someday."