Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OSHA has determined that the safe load capacity on my butt is 2, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line behind my wife and boss to ride my @ss today, please wait patiently.

   When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

   25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan....Johnny Cash and Bob Hope..now we have Obama no Cash and no Hope....

   Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.

   It's important to have a good sense of humor right up until someone jokes about something you care about. Then it's okay to kick their ass!

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   A surprise threesome is a great way to show your girlfriend that you really do like her friends.

   I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked.

   Even after a long day at work, I often take work related things home with me." ~ Me referring to the hot women from the accounting department.

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   Why do Mexicans wear "sombreros?" Where else would they put their tacos while stealing your hub caps?

   I wish I could have an out of body experience... especially when it's time to go to work.

   The most useful tool in the office is the stapler, because if a coworker doesn't shut up you can staple his shirt to their chair and simply throw it at them.

   You KNOW the economy is bad when the dancers at this strip club are walking around with change belts. I guess it's time to make it HAIL on these b!tches!!

   But if they stop selling Hummers how are we gonna know who's got a small pen!s?

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look busy until that new Muppet movie comes out.

   WELL THE YARD SALE WENT WELL ......$27,000 DOLLARS .......WE WILL BE OFF TO MIAMI FOR A FEW DAYS .....I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE WHEN THE NEIGHBORS NOTCE THEIR BARBEQUE GRILLS, PATIO FURNITURE AND POTTED PLANTS ARE MISSING ..... TA TA !!!!!

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex.