Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just gave all of my McDonalds ketchup packets to the hobo on the corner. What? He might find a dumpster burger later.

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   Ever worry that the sensors on those automatic toilets are actually little video cameras? Bet you are now.

   Facebook -- a place to indulge your ADD and OCD all in one place.

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Here's to the moments when we throw caution out of the window, cross our fingers and hoped for the best.

   Good morning Friday...tell your pal Monday he needs to come around here tomorrow so all my friends can get back to work so they don't forget how great it is to work for a living.

   I saw a sign that said "Deaf Children Drive Carefully". I didn't know they drove at all.

   My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there

   This is just a reminder that your left leg and yo right leg are not at war. Please re-unite them.

   she said I don't give my number to strangers and I'm like we have been facebook friends for like 1 week already..lol

   I beat my girl at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

   BOY: Hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: Good job son! GIRL: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: Where the hell is my gun?

   Let's hope karma is a bigger b!$#h than they ever were.

   In hell, you have to find the start to scotch tape over and over

   The word of the day is..... SupercalifragilisticexpialiDOUCHBAG.

   Mexican Word of the Day: TISSUE. Usage: Hey vato ju doing it wrong, lemmie tissue how to Dougie !

   There is always at least one HATER that dislikes --->SMH

   girls are like math, if there under 13 do them in your head.