Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend's name is SLEEP, and I get some every night.

   just read that A.C. Nielsen Jr., pioneer of TV ratings firm, died yesterday as well, but due to news of Steve Jobs it was overlooked and Mr. Nielsen only received an 8.5 rating.

   the idiot who wrote about the Porshes and Mexicans, the last time I check people in the US cant afford to buy a car

   All 911 decals have been removed from Police cars in an effort to dissuade Mexicans from stealing them who think they're Porsches.

   Doing work on the bathroom, went to Lowe's and, long story short, still not mature enough to ask for caulk without laughing

   The only difference between a sink and urinal is an opinion

   Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Worse: So are you

   Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply!

   Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Worse: With corrections

   I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

   Do you want to mourn Steve Jobs? - There's an app for that, only $4.99 for the first month.

   I was just going to nail some shelves to the wall, then I thought, screw them!

   Life is just like an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts !!

   Steve Jobs death is being treated as suspicious... Police are looking for iWitnesses

   Steve Jobs says, "The only way Apple devices will get Flash is over my dead body."

   Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP

   Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying

   Dear Google Maps, Please extend your street view to the rural parts of the country. I'm trying to find out which field I left my virginity in. Sincerely, anonymous

   Dear icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Enjoy the Karma... Sincerely, the Titanic