Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look just cuz I wont go by you tampons doesn't mean I don't love you...Hell didn't I buy you like 3 rolls of Bounty...That's called a Compromise...

   thinks it's hilarious how infomercials and product commercials make simple tasks such as draining pasta or cleaning toilets seem like life-threatening obstacles.

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   I'm about sick of passwords! Pretty soon you'll need one to take a piss. ..oh, you have to use the bathroom- what's your password and user id

   Looks like the redneck twins have lost their jobs and girlfriends to Mexicans and black guys again. So brace yourselves for more r@cial backlash.

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   I bet anyone can stalk you if you keep on updating ur status.. Yes I'm talking to you.. Someday, some unknown guy's gonna greet you and said something like, "hey, how's your period goin'? ... Who, me? Oh I saw you on facebook a LOT. So just by a whim I pl

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

   Once upon a time, many, many years ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was in the Boy Scouts. I slipped on a banana peel, hurt my ankle and a little old lady had to help me cross the street.

   I stopped believing for a little while this morning. Journey is gonna be so pissed when they find out:(

   So after leading on thousands of supporters in order to collect millions in campaign contributions, Sarah Palin has announced that she will not be running for President, but not without first spending stacks of donated cash on a cross country family vacat

   I think it's kinda creepy that Facebook tells everyone where you are on every post.

   i only watch family feud until the white family wins

   When you get on Facebook it's either you're stalking people or playing farmville!

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.