Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   Alarm clocks: because every morning should start with a heart attack

   If you ever see anyone planking in public, nothing is stopping you from dropping a Macho Man "flying elbow" on them.

   If Rick Ross was Mexican they would call him Hoazay

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   Black guy is in the electric chair. They cut his pants at the knee to attach a wire. Head of his d*ck pops out. The guy that pulls the switch starts laughing. The black guy says: Laugh man, but if I was frying YOU, yo's would shrink up too!

   I hate people that eat like there's no tomorrow and don't get fat.

   Fresh out the shower √ Ice cold beer √ BBQ grill ready √ Sunday NFL Football √ √ √....---> IT'SGO TIME<---

   The best part of waking up...isBUDLIGHT in your cup!

   to the man who calls wall st protestors hypocritical for using corporate made items, then you must think the slaves were hilarious for using clubs and daggers made by their masters, wearing cotton clothes, and escaping on roads paved for their masters

   After years of hearing it, for once I would like to be the one saying, “Now get the hell out of my office?”

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen.

   If you are going to hate on me for no apparent reason I am going to make it my business to find and give you a reason to hate me.

   You know they are definitely ugly when they have a car on their profile picture.

   That rather unflattering moment when she yells, “give it to me now!” when you have been giving it to her to the best of your ability for the past five minutes.

   I can remember Oct 8 as if it was yesterday

   i woke up at 8:07 this morning, just so I can say that I consciously experienced the 7th minute of the 8th hour, on the 9th of the 10th, in the '11th year.

   my neighbor bought a pumpkin and carved it. I asked him, " why didnt you make it look like it had teeth"? he said, " I was trying to make it look like my wife".

   thinks it is hilarious that the Wall St. protestors hate big corporations, wearing their GAP jeans, taking pictures with their Motorola camera phones, and drinking from Dasani water bottles.

   McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. That should be good for another million burgers.