Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people and their damn event invites, they're like the Jehovah Witnesses of Facebook!

   Side Chick Text - why is my name stored under pizza hut in yo phone?

   Evidently, one of the women Herman Cain allegedly sexually harassed was German. When asked to comment, the victim said "Nein! Nein! Nein!"

   My ex-wife told me the real reason she was leaving me is because I was obsessed that band The Monkees. At first I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face.......

   I apologize for Poking you. Please chill. It's just that I couldn't find the bend over and let me f**k you in the a$$ without a lubricant button.

   Biggest lie a celebrity says: “I would date a fan”

   for the guy saying chasing the American dream doesn't count as exercising, try telling that to the mexicans

   Great men of this country fought and died to defend my right to not give a flippin' flip about the Karskankians.

   I guess the radical libs had to come up with something in light of the strong likelihood that a Conservative Christian minority might wax our existing Socialist leader out of a job pretty soon. :-/

   Even though it looks as though JB cheated on me & may be someone's baby daddy, I'm still going to wear his scent and listen to his new Christmas album...while rocking myself back and forth in the corner of a vacant room w/ nothing but a bottle of Grey G

   I'll be thankful when people stop filling my entire wall with posts about what they're thankful for.

   Go to Google and type in.... "DO A BARREL ROLL"

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   If you don't audibly fart when you're getting a security patdown at the airport, the terrorists win.

   he wind is CraZy this morning... I went out for a smoke and the wind blew my robe plum over my head... I felt like Marylin Monroe ...

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right?