Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   Over the past 15-years, Donald Trump has paid more for sex than he did in taxes.

   Biden's favorite TV show? Teletubbies. He says it reminds him of his favorite crutch on TV...Teleprompters.

   I heard Trump is backing out of the debate Tuesday night. It was just too taxing for him.

   Id rather have Covid-19 than Trump-2020

   I'm so old when I was a kid my stomach used to growl when I was hungry, now it sought of just grumbles and complains.

   I would like to tell you a joke about covid but 99% of you won’t get it......

   When I was a kid, people often said that I was the "little engine that could." Turns out that I'm the "big old caboose that couldn't."

   Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.

   i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so

   I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

   Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal

   HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.

   If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

   I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

   I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

   So what do you get when you spell strap-on backwards?

   Just attended a concert headlined by the band Disturbed. Evidently everyone in the mosh pit has been infected with COVID 19 - they're all Down With The Sickness!!!

   I kept dreaming about mufflers all night long mufflers, mufflers, and more mufflers. I woke up exhausted.