Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The EPA has placed sanctions on Santa for using such fossil fuels as coal and switches... The EPA has instead, mandated Santa use wind and solar.....In accordance to EPA regulation bad kids will now receive a hydrogen filled balloon and a match.

   Re-up with Sam Hurd this weekend just isn't going to happen...

   X says Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Kevin Arnold from the wonder years

   Definition of Happy: When the police check-point station picks the car behind to pull over for random search

   Lil Wayne = 5% Black 95% Tattoos.

   I'm pretty sure the guy who invented dino nuggets had a heck of a time trying to explain to everyone else what he was aiming to achieve.

   Dear Real Life, why don't you have background music?

   Everything is so much funnier when you're not allowed to laugh

   Reading your best friend's status and thinking, "Ha! I know exactly who that's about!"

   My relationship status is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad

   2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I am physically attractive and I am aware of this statement.

   Some people are just not worth my energy.

   Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you

   That split second when you are 100% sure ur gunna die after you lean to far back in ur chair

   i hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we havent thought about in a while...demons."

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Seriously guys , she didn't slap me on the face for calling her a b**ch, its just that I forgot to raise my hand when she wants to high five with me.

   A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than A FBI Agent

   I'm on the road to happiness and ain't a stop sign in sight :-)

   Who ever invented the "Knock- Knock jokes" should get a No-bell prize