Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

   Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

   [at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   So I've been on a new diet I really seem to be working for me that's called "The cost of food"

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

   No good deed goes unposted on social media.

   I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.

   As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”

   *first date* Yep. I like all the things. *fourth date* And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

   I'm boycotting the next Nobel Prize award ceremony. Trump so deserved the award, but didn't win.

   *Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house* CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks? GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

   *sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard* *buys all the lottery tickets*

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

   Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.