Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if aliens ask each other. Do you believe in HUMANS?!

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now & then...

   I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

   Nobody's life is perfect, but life itself does have perfect moments….

   Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

   A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, but a beautiful girl with a brain & smarts is a weapon of mass destruction...

   There are two things a man can never hide: 1. When he`s drunk, and 2. and when he's in love...

   Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,

   Every girl needs a good guy to help her laugh when she thinks she`ll never smile again.

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Does anybody know where I could find out how much a footlong costs at Subway?

   Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin....and muffins are healthy. Your welcome.

   Adam Sandler looks like Don Flamingo from Mike Tysons Punchout.

   Everything seems to be louder, when you dont want anybody to wake up

   women stop complaining about wearing heels that hurt and man up!!

   I don't mind it when people let their minds go blank. I just wish they would log off Facebook when it happens.

   I'm going to lock in my Super Bowl prediction right now. I predict Madonna will be f*cking terrible.

   I don't always drink milk, but when I do I prefer dos chichis

   Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener.

   Went to a different bar thinking I wouldn't see anyone I knew and have a quiet drink. Everybody from my AA meeting was there.