Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   I think these cold pills are just making the snot mad.

   This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably

   so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(

   Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

   auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   I shot the parrot. But I did not kill the parakeet..

   Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   Freedom is tweeting with no pants.

   Valentines day is cancelled this year 14 - 02 - 12 = 0 Mathematical proof.

   When reality kicks in… add more booze.

   Its 2012 and yous are arguing about pen1s sizes? Now mine on the other hand...

   There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.

   It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back.

   Why yes, yes I can do a pelvic exam, Miss. Here, step into the back of my van.

   Instead of "hazard lights" they should be called "sorry for parking like a d!ck, just pickin up some weed, be right back" lights.

   Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.

   "OH NO, A PYTHON! Whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA! Nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE! Sh!t, nose. God I can't live like this." - Elephant