Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you message me to the point where I have to scroll to read it all, well, you need to hire a text editor.

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.

   Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.

   The new eye scan to unlock your iPhone to be released later this week. *Not available in China

   When I have kids i`m going to make them watch the 2012 movie & tell them, "Yup, I survived that!" ...

   If Obama gets re-elected this year, props to the mayans.

   miss the old days when my only worry of the day was begging my mom to drive faster to not miss pokemon (y)

   Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return for refund Mondays...

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.

   Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement

   If you need space then work at NASA

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock...

   Conference (noun), Definition: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

   Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight

   The worst part about having multiple personalities is eating at a restaurant alone but getting an automatic 20% tip added to the bill.