Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

   I always feel sad when I white van drives right past me... It makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy

   Afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

   I saw a sign today that made me P!$$ my pants! It said "Bathroom closed."

   You Know You High if you use the flashlight on your phone, to try and find your phone.

   Planet Saturn = 7 rings Michael Jordan = 6 rings Kobe Bryant = 5 rings LeBron James = 1 really nice headband

   I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.

   Remember to always stay away from houses when there's a full moon. They turn into warehouses...

   Nerd Wedding: Instead of saying "I do" They say "I accept the terms & conditions"

   I wonder if aliens ask each other, do you believe in humans?

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.

   you know your scared when you lose track of a spider and become a victim in your own home...

   Want to learn how to beatbox? Just say "boots and cats" over and over again. MIND = BLOWN

   Alien 1: "Did the humans receive our message?" Aliens 2 : "Yes, but they named it Dubstep and now they dance to it."

   Don't you hate it when a spider bites you, and you get zero superpowers.

   I'm homy... Read that again more closely you pervert!

   I think I'd rather hear gunshots coming from my parents bedroom than hear one more second of Chris Brown tonight.

   Paul McCartney looks like my uncle Fred after a 12 pack.

   Dear eyelashes, wishbones, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles. What happened to my wishes? Sincerely, still waiting.