Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, I'm so sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   I have decided this Valentines I am going to get prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so ..

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   imagine asking the incredible hulk to open a pickle jar?

   Dusting off the old VHS sex tape my wife and I made. We watch it every Valentines and cry.

   Valentines Eve: AKA Desperation to get a Date DaY

   What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around it's nose? A border collie.

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   I think if I needed to create a successful television program, my target audience would be people with eyes.

   Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows

   Ready for winter to be over because I need to see the sun again and also so I can stop sitting on cold toilet seats.

   The other JFK is appropriately called JFK Junior you other big dummy.

   Get your facts right you big dummy: John F Kennedy was born in May 1917 and passed away in 1963. Do the math correctlyly.

   It's 39 degrees, which tells me one thing. That effin' Groundhog knows more about the weather than those clowns on TV.

   Rupert Murdoch is said to be deeply touched by the messages from family and friends left on Whitney Houstons phone.

   People call it Valentine's Day, I call it Tuesday.

   We would have a lot more time if we didn't have "Loading" time.

   SOME PEOPLE WILL THINK THIS STATUS HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, INFORMATIONAL, OR EVEN USEFUL... JUST BECAUSE I USED CAPITAL LETTERS!