Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That uneasy momen when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.

   sending cards to random people today saying "I'm going to f*** you so bad"...They're not going to know if I'm horny of mafia type!

   got a call from Cupid asking me where I'd like him to fire his arrow on my date tonight! I said nowhere as I can't afford her to deflate!

   and on a positive note today is Taco Tuesday!!

   I think I owe my vibrator a Valentines Day card.

   flagging your girlfriend offside when she leaves the kitchen. a typical valentines day procedure.

   My Valentine is just like my pinkie toe; eventually I'm gonna bang it on all the furniture in this house...

   To everybody that is single don't worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner

   I really spoiled her today. First I bought her a lovely new scent. Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body and then I did the vacuuming and dusting. I f** love my BMW!

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm using my hand, But I'm thinking of you.

   I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

   Guy gets wife roses. She says "I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?" He says, "Why, we don't have a Vase?

   Save money! Plastic christmas tree...plastic valentine roses.

   Roses are Red,Violets are blue, My knobs in your mouth, best you don't chew

   Romancing myself today =) If I play my cards right, I might even get to sleep with myself. Chances are I wont call me back....

   I'm afraid if we keep calling Jeremy Lin an Underdog, his family will eat him.

   I just told a child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   roses are red, violets are fine, i'll be the 6 if you be the 9

   First they put safety features on circular saws; next we'll be forced to wear seat belts to run our blenders.

   You don't want to vajazzle after a certain age or it'll look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.