Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   6 reasons to masturbate: Saves time, saves money, reduces stress, cures headaches, hurts nobody, & pisses off the Pope.

   White folks are so comfortable with rap music nowadays that we gonn start seein' fanny packs that say "Thug Life".

   Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby.

   ESPN would explode if Jeremy Lin wore a Yankee uniform and dunked on LeBron in front of Brett Favre and then Tebowed

   just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea

   GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it

   my car has hair growing out of the tires, is that ok??

   Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed....

   Brandi from 'Storage Wars' has humongous jugs

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.

   bought some beef jerky, or as its commonly known..a shoe repair kit

   Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.

   jus saw a midget pushin a shopping cart.. every item they put in their basket was a slam dunk